Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
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once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!