Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!