It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
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I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
This one’s “Alex”.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…