STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
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The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.