Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
You Might Also Like
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*