ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
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boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
multitasking lunch
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Feels
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip