Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
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Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.