Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
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Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?