Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
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my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick