You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
You Might Also Like
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Most Common Source of Electricity
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Pot warmers of the day.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.