[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
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I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing