Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
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things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.