I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
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I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.