I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
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who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?