I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
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me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …