Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
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Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?