“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
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At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”