we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
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My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.