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Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
the worm is coming from inside the brain
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.