Good morning!
You Might Also Like
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
*watches the world burn*
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
notice
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush