learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
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“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
me logging onto twitter
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
March 16