Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
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“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you