Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
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imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes