Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
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“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.