Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
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There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.