More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
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describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars