Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
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If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.