*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
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One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool