The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
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Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.