How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
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“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
*seductively corrects your posture*
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.