Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
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This might be the funniest tweet ever
My work here is don’t.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…