“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
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clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
January has been Januweary
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.