Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
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“OMGJK” -atheists
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*