Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
You Might Also Like
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
<—- homeless romantic
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.