Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
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me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Bloody internet 😳
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage