Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
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Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Breaking news:
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂