It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
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This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.