CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
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Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Do one person every day that scares you.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
can’t catch a break
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.