a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
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This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
a fate I wish upon no one
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.