*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
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why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
this chia pet tastes awful
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?