What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
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Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.