Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
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I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.