Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
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strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.