Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
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ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
*frowns in Scottish*
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth