I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
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I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Breaking news:
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.