When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
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If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.