Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
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saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I hope it鈥檚 French Onion!
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don鈥檛
My friend just told me she鈥檚 sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don鈥檛 know if I鈥檓 ready to dive into this
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Me: Soooo it鈥檚 our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
If you鈥檙e having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone鈥檚 telling their parents they鈥檙e a life coach
everyone calm down they鈥檙e just doing a test run of the rapture
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I鈥檓 playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I鈥檓 wrong I lose the house
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 馃檨
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven鈥檛 even started packing yet.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That鈥檚 the most romantic thing you鈥檝e ever said to me.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.