don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
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Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Phonetics
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation