*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
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God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Just a phase…
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
[eats all your cotton candy]
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*