REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
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*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.